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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Snared by Snicker Doodles: The Big Confusing Mess


The light tap at the door sounded Innocent (as apposed to the sinister creek of an ax murder creeping up ur steps late at night lol). I assumed it was a social call from across the street - I bypassed the peep hole and went straight for the handle to find 2 pairs of hands barring... baked goods... Snicker Doodles.... still warm. I had no idea what to say as two clueless sisters stood there refusing, or unable, to get the politely presented and subtle hintS as I delivered them one by one in heavily sugar powdered push offs.

I don't know these people and they don't know me - or the endless nights filled with questions that had no answers. The horrible and wretched feeling of being fundamentally torn to bits - regardless of which side my decision to stay or leave the church fell in. And there they were smiling, clueless... and I was standing there feeling miserable and inching back to square 1.

I can't explain my disdain for the types of Mormon Culture that add to the already extensive lists of things one must obey to really belong. They don't know me and thus won't understand the importance I place on polemics and being able to simply talk about things - openly. I was invited to join a group of devoted yet closet cafeteria style Mormon intellectuals and for a short bit that seemed to fill the void or at least it was a great relief to ask questions - get answers - to talk things out- and to know that other people saw things as I did - I wasn't alone in the torment. But not being able to be open about what I thought with people I cared about felt dishonest.

I'm not going to talk to people I don't even know about the list of things I don't have a testimony of like doing things in a ritualistic fashion. I'm the kind of person who believes saying prayers every single night at dinner only leads to empty vain repetition that adulterates prayers until they are simply words. I'm not going to sit with strangers and tell them that I'm sick of having to justify the church's history with D&C 132 - Polygamy. Sometimes there is no justifying history - you just say what happened and if apologizes have been made, ways changed you keep going with the story. But we haven't yet have we? So we can't keep the story moving - we have to stop - we have to explain. I want the church to stop explaining and say "Polygamy is Wrong" NOT "Polygamy is illegal".

If there is anyone who believes that people should not be judged for the sins of the "father" it's me. If your ancestors were polygamists - who cares?! Some people have blood lines to Crusaders, Moors, slave traders/owners, "Indian killers", Nazis, confederate soldiers...or just run of the mill crappy bad people.. having politically incorrect ancestors has nothing to do with who you are - as long as your not protecting or propagating their behavior. Admitting a theological misstep is NO biggie. The Catholic Church has washed it's hands of quite a bit of blood and changed scriptural interpretation many times - they are doing just fine- we can too. Polygamy is wrong. I know this because the part of me that sees the Good in it are the parts of me I don't let make big decisions. The fact is we better bone up on our position pretty soon because if you haven't noticed "poly-amore" is gaining popularity in the general population and if you have listened to any of the FLD's argument - they plan on riding on the coat tails of the legalized gay marriage. Polygamy could very easily become legal again... and as things are now I don't have faith in the stance the church would take. ( A side bar on Polygamy - yes it's in the OLD testament - but read between the lines - it tares families apart - Joseph's brothers hate him because he's from the "favorite wife" & what about Isaac and Ishmael ... maybe we've missed part of the lesson...and you know Check out Judges sometimes, just because something is in the Bible doesn't mean you'd want to partake in it.)

There is no cliff notes version of how I got to right here and now or why I think and am the way I am, these people wouldn't get it - their heads turn from side to side, like a confused dog, trying to make sense of the fact that I haven't been at church - Mormons go to church, that's basic and who would want to skip? So there they were standing at my front door trying to give me Snicker Doodles and not getting my shrugging shoulders, my polite indifference.

The Bishop's wife brought me flowers.... and then a member of the Bishopric showed up... and then the Sunday school president called... and a part of me felt "compelled" to go back. There is QUITE a bit worth staying around for actually and fundamentally I agree with MOST of what the church stands for. But how can return when I feel this way? Wouldn't staying be tantamount to supporting? and wouldn't biting my lip and showing up be like pretending that I have a testimony of things I don't? Wouldn't it be lying? Believe me, staying would be the easiest path to take - I get that. But there's a trade off and it's one I'm not sure I am willing to make. I've promised my family this is only a temporary move and we'll see what happens - it doesn't have to be permanent but I think I need to try. According to Plato a "man" who lives in a vacuum, who is never tempted, never forced to make the hard decision is not actually a good "man". The good "man" is the one who is tempted and chooses the right. Why chance it? I don't know... but I guess well see exactly where my integrity lies.

This is all just a Big confusing head spinning mess... The cookies were good though...