Snared by Snicker Doodles: The Big Confusing Mess

The light tap at the door sounded Innocent (as apposed to the sinister creek of an ax murder creeping up ur steps late at night lol). I assumed it was a social call from across the street - I bypassed the peep hole and went straight for the handle to find 2 pairs of hands barring... baked goods... Snicker Doodles.... still warm. I had no idea what to say as two clueless sisters stood there refusing, or unable, to get the politely presented and subtle hintS as I delivered them one by one in heavily sugar powdered push offs.

I don't know these people and they don't know me - or the endless nights filled with questions that had no answers. The horrible and wretched feeling of being fundamentally torn to bits - regardless of which side my decision to stay or leave the church fell in. And there they were smiling, clueless... and I was standing there feeling miserable and inching back to square 1.

I can't explain my disdain for the types of Mormon Culture that add to the already extensive lists of things one must obey to really belong. They don't know me and thus won't understand the importance I place on polemics and being able to simply talk about things - openly. I was invited to join a group of devoted yet closet cafeteria style Mormon intellectuals and for a short bit that seemed to fill the void or at least it was a great relief to ask questions - get answers - to talk things out- and to know that other people saw things as I did - I wasn't alone in the torment. But not being able to be open about what I thought with people I cared about felt dishonest.

I'm not going to talk to people I don't even know about the list of things I don't have a testimony of like doing things in a ritualistic fashion. I'm the kind of person who believes saying prayers every single night at dinner only leads to empty vain repetition that adulterates prayers until they are simply words. I'm not going to sit with strangers and tell them that I'm sick of having to justify the church's history with D&C 132 - Polygamy. Sometimes there is no justifying history - you just say what happened and if apologizes have been made, ways changed you keep going with the story. But we haven't yet have we? So we can't keep the story moving - we have to stop - we have to explain. I want the church to stop explaining and say "Polygamy is Wrong" NOT "Polygamy is illegal".

If there is anyone who believes that people should not be judged for the sins of the "father" it's me. If your ancestors were polygamists - who cares?! Some people have blood lines to Crusaders, Moors, slave traders/owners, "Indian killers", Nazis, confederate soldiers...or just run of the mill crappy bad people.. having politically incorrect ancestors has nothing to do with who you are - as long as your not protecting or propagating their behavior. Admitting a theological misstep is NO biggie. The Catholic Church has washed it's hands of quite a bit of blood and changed scriptural interpretation many times - they are doing just fine- we can too. Polygamy is wrong. I know this because the part of me that sees the Good in it are the parts of me I don't let make big decisions. The fact is we better bone up on our position pretty soon because if you haven't noticed "poly-amore" is gaining popularity in the general population and if you have listened to any of the FLD's argument - they plan on riding on the coat tails of the legalized gay marriage. Polygamy could very easily become legal again... and as things are now I don't have faith in the stance the church would take. ( A side bar on Polygamy - yes it's in the OLD testament - but read between the lines - it tares families apart - Joseph's brothers hate him because he's from the "favorite wife" & what about Isaac and Ishmael ... maybe we've missed part of the lesson...and you know Check out Judges sometimes, just because something is in the Bible doesn't mean you'd want to partake in it.)

There is no cliff notes version of how I got to right here and now or why I think and am the way I am, these people wouldn't get it - their heads turn from side to side, like a confused dog, trying to make sense of the fact that I haven't been at church - Mormons go to church, that's basic and who would want to skip? So there they were standing at my front door trying to give me Snicker Doodles and not getting my shrugging shoulders, my polite indifference.

The Bishop's wife brought me flowers.... and then a member of the Bishopric showed up... and then the Sunday school president called... and a part of me felt "compelled" to go back. There is QUITE a bit worth staying around for actually and fundamentally I agree with MOST of what the church stands for. But how can return when I feel this way? Wouldn't staying be tantamount to supporting? and wouldn't biting my lip and showing up be like pretending that I have a testimony of things I don't? Wouldn't it be lying? Believe me, staying would be the easiest path to take - I get that. But there's a trade off and it's one I'm not sure I am willing to make. I've promised my family this is only a temporary move and we'll see what happens - it doesn't have to be permanent but I think I need to try. According to Plato a "man" who lives in a vacuum, who is never tempted, never forced to make the hard decision is not actually a good "man". The good "man" is the one who is tempted and chooses the right. Why chance it? I don't know... but I guess well see exactly where my integrity lies.

This is all just a Big confusing head spinning mess... The cookies were good though...

Leaving the Church: The White Button Down Conflict

I have decided to go inactive. For my non Mormon contemporaries that means essentially I've decided to leave the church aka not be a Mormon. I'm not having my name removed from the rolls or anything dramatic like that. "What to do about church" has been an up hill struggle for nearly a year. I've made no secret of my dislike for most of Mormon Culture and in the end it all came down to White Button Downs.

Let's get one thing out in the open before we head down this un returnable path: When it comes to clothing I can be well... a bit shallow. I love "nice" clothing. Unfortunately most of what I'd give my right arm to own I'd have to pay for with exactly that because I cannot afford most of the duds that make me gaga and they do make me gaga. "Expensive" clothing has all the right little stitches and small details that, while You most likely couldn't pin point, do create an overall refined image. It's specific fabrics and fitted styles you can't just pick up off the rack. mmmm... BUT the one thing I will not and cannot tolerate is fashion snobbery or elitism. Clothing is something I like - I like lots of things - I don't expect other people to stare longingly at a pair of special collection boots at nordstroms...Or even to know what they are.

I am a huge promoter of dress for the job you want and Heavenly Father has endowed me with david copperfield like skills to tun a near empty pocketbook into something wonderful. The same research skills I utilize for school I utilize for shopping. The last outfit I purchased, navy pin strip dress pants and matching vest, went for well over $600 (on a scale of $ clothing this barley qualifies) But I got it and paid about what anyone would pay for something off the rack at the mall. I encourage people who are interviewing for jobs, going to conferences, visiting schools etc to fallow my lead - I also show them the tricks of the trade and have loaned out and or given away suites, gowns, and every day clothing. But church should not be a place to be seen or interviewed/judged worthy but a place of acceptance and community.

The White Button Down conflict all started when a talk was given at church on the importance of dress, clean shaven faces, and cleanliness. The Bishop had specifically asked it to be given But I did not feel it was appropriate at all. Actually I would say politics from the pulpit are more appropriate than fashion. Men should wear clean starched white buttons downs and ties preferably a suite. Boys should be in dress shirts, dress pants and dress shoes, older boys a tie. As for women's clothing - I like Skirts... but I don't understand why we can't wear pants... I mean wouldn't that be the ultimate in modesty? Why do men have to wear short hair and clean faces? A white button down - is that really a symbol of one's purity? I think shaggy hair can be cute & on the right guy a goat-ts got some adventure to it. But the fashion angle isn't what has me bothered by this bit of Mormon Culture it is something far greater, I really like White Button Downs BTW.

As the talk began - rows up a single mom, a convert, shifted uncomfortably in her seat. I felt bad for her. Things are tight in her house and she does a good job with what she has, she doesn't need one more thing added to her plate. Her coming to church is good enough. She has two little boys. Sometimes they wear dress pants - sometimes they wear clean jeans and polo's and there best tennis shoes. I would never wear jeans to church, crap I don't even want to wear them to school - but I understand that sometimes people have to make choices between providing the essentials for themselves and/or children and getting the extras like one day a week clothing or new "holiday" clothing and shoes. I don't think those people should be made to feel publicly uncomfortable regardless of there reasons for doing so. Some people just don't like wearing certain styles of clothing and what is wrong with that?

I also think it is absoutly ridicuoulse that Heavenly Father tends to choose men who wear suites to church to fullfill higher level callings?! And yet in many wards men who dress the part get those callings - this means only men who can afford a suite and are the type to wear them willingly will be in the pool. Why on earth would anyone want the same rules that apply at work to apply at church? Church is supposed to be Diffrent.

Apperance is personal preference and what about culture? What a lose it would be as the worlds fastest growing religion to have white button downs snuff out the vibrant colors and symbolic/historical imagrey found in the clothing of many nonwestern countries! And yet so often world wide the baptism of a new member is followed by the adoption of the standard white cotton button down. Why should the world conform to some silly Utah standard? Are the people in 3rd world countries less goddly because of their lack of hygeinie, the result of a lack of clean water, or the impracticality and costly nature of a white button down?

We send missionaries out and it is no secret most of the people who convert are from the lower class - we give them a taste of the "good life" - we encourage them to take the big dunk and join our wards... in many cases they lose whole lives in the process of becoming Mormons. They lose Friends, they watch as families turn their backs on them. They are often publicly ridiculed for their choice to become Mormons. There entire lives are turned around and sometimes upside down for the church and,while there is NOTHING in Mormon theology that suggests a dress code,we then also force Mormon fashion culture on them. If you think there isn't a judgment being passed or that people don't feel on the fringes - your wrong. I belive this cultural requirment goes against everything Christ stood for. Was he hanging out with robbers and whores and telling them ... "well first you need a hair cut, a good shave, a pair of dockers and a nice white button down"? or was he saying "live a good life and just love your neighbor"?

You want to preach modesty - fine... but white button downs - that's a line drown in the stand between you and them. Fashion should not be a part of Sunday talks, conferences, or ensign/friends articles. No way I want to be a part of that. I know your thinking... well it isn't like they are being asked to leave, people in jeans are welcome in the church... No they aren't - not when people are giving talks about it. Not when children are asking other children in primary why they are wearing tennis shoes. In this clothing has become a tool of exclusion and church should NEVER be a place of exclusion, especially not such a shallow one. I am not saying that this is everyone - I know more people than not who could care less what other people are wearing - but recently I've come to learn that outside of my own/old ward it is a much bigger issue. I feel compelled to make a stand against Mormon Culture, especially because I love clothing!

On a side note... I do have to wonder if this engrained bit of what not to wear isn't the same nonsense that has so many of the born LDS student, nonworking, population of the church racking up publicly funded debt on trendy clothing for themselves and their weed growing too good for hand-me down little ones. There is something that isn't just not right - but actually wrong with this sentiment.

I hope this is not a disapointment to anyone - But I wanted to be honest not "hide" my "new life" in another state. It was a hard and complicated decision and one in a few years I may even reverse. I'm going to the Methodist church and I'm taking a lot of Mormon theology and Mormon "rules" with me. I am in the process of making a list of what I believe in and the standard I am going to hold myself to throughout this journey, a kind of solid proclamation of me that will keep my hand firmly around the "Iron Rod". While this decision has nothing to do with theology in a way I guess it does... I don't want to worship Jesus anymore I want to be more like him and while I love my church - I think sometimes the culture gets in the way of being able to do that.

In my heart and soul I know this to be true.

Always.
Mw/h

Fall Schedule or Oh-Crap - Ur pick, I opt the latter

Monday - 12:30 - 1:30 (Lecture for class I'm Taing)

Tuesday
11:30-1:30 Sections/Recitations
3:30-5:30 Class

Wednesday
12:30 - 1:30 (Lecture for class I'm Taing)
3:30-5:30 Class

Thursday
11:30-1:30 Sections/Recitations
3:30-5:30 Class

Friday
2:30-5:30 Class

I Feel like this is a LOT but my advisor says "[I'll] be fine" - I hope he is right! We are on a 10 week term not 16 and I am wondering even how I will jugle 4 Big papers in 10 weeks. Normaly I space them out between THREE classes and in 16 weeks that is just a paper every 5 weeks. +I've got Comps/Generals and I've got no less than 200 more books to get through if not many more. This is all starting to sink in....

Sports? Really?

"It is about the sports not politics" - Screw That! If you put sports ahead of politics, not water cooler politics mind you but real world crimes against humanity and the utter lack of respect for human life than your priorities are desperately in need of a check. Are we really that ambivalent to human suffering that we can't even make the smallest of scarifies? Seriously?!

"Taking it Easy"

I understand"taking it easy" means no midnight runs - but I didn't think it included walking to the park or river or across the street to my friends house or around the grocery store. Having worsened my injuries by doing said tasks "taking it easy" has now become a week long sentence - to the sofa and a stack of pillows that keep both my ankles propt up. "Taking it easy" means no pool, even if i just meant to hang out on the side with a book and I wasn't even going to do any laps. If there is a word that means after you have already been Bored and were thinking you might have a fun adventure right around the corner but instead you got hurt and are now stuck at home on a sofa between bright white walls of a townhouse that feel like it has been shrinking than that is what I am. I don't know if I will be better for the trip next week. BOO!

My legs ached a solid week before the move - I think it was that I had no time to run. Arthritis is a dull lingering pain and running is sometimes a very wonderful magic in issuing a reprisal to it. "Flare ups" are scary straw pulling events. Waiting for them to pass I am stuck wondering if they will or if this is the beginning of a physical dark downward spiral. An ankle injury, let alone two is equally as unnerving an event. Admittedly I've been warned that if i injure my ankle/s again that could be "IT" for them. I have never been able to picture what "IT" really means and so I have lived a life of bliss ignoring the doctor made list of forbidden actives like Soccer ROFLMBO. But now looking at two bandaged, iced, and well propt ankles... the idea of "IT" scares me.

It is silly & I will be fine. But in the mean time on my butt I will remain ... more than bored... but with a smile... Chess Anyone?

Same Crap Different Place

5 rooms less to clean also means 5 rooms less to fill with stuff... in what once took up the span of 3 rooms is now stuffed into one room that is only about 25 by 23 feet. The townhouse is and feels much smaller - but thankfully I spend more time outside of it's Bright White Walls. ergh.

The Belief- O - Matic

Ive become stuck in an insomniactic slump & being vulnerable to the suggestions of a quite mischievous acquaintance decided to stop shaking the magic 8 ball and switch to a more scientific method of determining my spiritual leanings al la the Belief- O - Matic. The results are as follows

1. Reform Judaism (100%)
2. Orthodox Judaism (91%)
3. Sikhism (88%)
4. Islam (85%)
5. Bahá'í Faith (82%)
6. Liberal Quakers (73%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (67%)
8. Unitarian Universalism (67%)
9. Jainism (66%)
10. Mahayana Buddhism (59%)
11. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (57%)
12. Neo-Pagan (57%)
13. Orthodox Quaker (54%)
14. New Thought (53%)
15. Theravada Buddhism (52%)
16. Hinduism (51%)
17. Scientology (48%)
18. New Age (47%)
19. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (46%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (42%)
21. Jehovah's Witness (42%)
22. Eastern Orthodox (40%)
23. Roman Catholic (40%)
24. Secular Humanism (39%)
25. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (36%)
26. Taoism (35%)
27. Nontheist (33%)

Needless to say I am quite relived that LDS came in at 11 (Hey I'm okay with 57% - then again I'm also 57% Neo Pagen?). That said I am thinking being a Liberal Quaker might be good fun. Someone once responded to my saying I was a Mormon by saying, "Well ... It could be worse you could be Amish or Quaker" lol oh the self afflictions of the spirit. So now it's your turn...(even though I am fairly certain most of you will land on 100% heathen : P) http://www.beliefnet.com/story/76/story_7665_1.html

And for goodness sakes people... sleeping during reasonable hours is totally over rated - totally!

Holly Kilt, New Friends, & Death by the Sandbox

Kilts....

Ahhhhh this weekend was the Irish Fest (the biggest in all of the US). I always think kilts are more Scottish than Irish, BUT they had quite a showing... Quite. There is really nothing like a nice Tartan. I took Soooo many pictures I felt like a dirty old man at the beach lol. I decided, however, nobody really fits out a kilt like Hamish (see Pic). I have come to learn this place has a huge Irish and Scots-Irish population and thus even a few LOCAL IRISH BANDS - which I am ALL ABOUT!

Friends

Not only are people nice here but you know how sometimes you move and the last ppl left a table behind and it ends up being perfect for you? Well that is how I inherited an entire group of ready made friends - just add water. The guy who lived here B4, now my LL, was a Phd Student who ran with a fairly tangled group of friends who live right next door and across the street - I seemed to pick up right where he left off. I like them and they keep me busy and the late night pool parties are a blast. I am pretty used to solitary living where you only talk to your neighbor once every few years - this is much better. Everyone comes and goes and a trip to the mail box becomes spontaneous gathering. I do think it is a little funny to get an email from someone whose computer is set up on the other side of the same wall as mine. Of course come Fall... back to the grind.


Death by the Sandbox

I have new reading spot under a huge tree right in the middle of a vast sprawling green park and field a few blocks from home. Which brings me two very important things.

1. I have to start reading again - I need to start getting my head back in the game. Not necessarily immersed in it... but in it none the less. The new term is approaching and I'm getting a little nervous.

2. I don't want to lose myself or the things that are important to me. I don't want to give up everything that is important to me for a PHD. I think it would be quite possible But I don't think it would be worth it. Now what exactly are those "important things" to me for which I have to learn to balance my work and time - that is another question but one I think I know how to answer IN PART at least for now.

What does 1 have to do with 2, let alone what I had been saying? I was engrossed in an incredible book today, Disposable People by Bales, when I suddenly realized there was a fire truck & ambulance right behind me in the grass in the park. I had heard them a bit earlier glancing up from my book as they bellowed down the street. I hadn't even noticed it pull up right behind me! A man collapsed. Their was chaos and crying as they tried to revive him. He was in his low 50's and had a heart attack playing softball with his church. I had just run past them a few mins before- they were all smiles enjoying a perfect day out loling and joking. It was only b/c another man passing me asked what was going on - That was the ONLY reason I even looked up and noticed. Everything about it was horrible, there was nothing I could do but sit and watch as a man's life ceased. Although the man succumbed to death I thank the Lord, for my own sake, that several members of the team knew CPR and had immediately responded. Can you imagine my guilt to think I could have been of help and just hadn't been? It was all a horrible event to watch and to make matters worse I had blown off church for No Reason and though I was praying with everything I had I felt ill prepared to pray for someone who needed it - I felt my prayers were ruined or worthless and while I could have served at least in that manner - I really could not.

and so the day ended with my locked up inside my head with the companionship of so many thoughts, the conclusions of which are as follows:

Life isn't going to stop and wait for me to get my PHD... I don't want to get so engrossed in my work that I don't notice what's going on around me. Simply It could never be worth it... there must be a balance - I must find it as well as spiritual peace.

ETC

Admittedly I like it here MUCH more than I expected.

I officially know my way around the area enough that today I confidently gave directions to someone else. I walk almost everywhere and have little use for the Jeep. The farthest place is the grocery/whole foods which is only 1.6 miles away.