Freedom, Crap-tastic Freedom

I thought I could sort this matter out myself but everyday it seems I wonder back to the drawing board with new thoughts to ponder.

Many of the people I am surrounded by live a very different lifestyle and drinking is a prevalent aspect of that lifestyle. It isn't just that half of the Giant Eagle is filled with alcohol (to the point I think it is missing quite a bit of the food selection)- there is a whole other culture to it. People drink outside lol sometimes when they go for a walk they bring them along. People tend to offer you a drink when you are at there house, even if it is noon. A common built in kitchen appliance I have frequently noticed is a small refrigerator especially made for wine. I have only actually seen people with pop once - and it turned out they were mixing something brown into it. So there is me trying to fit in and at a fairly new acquaintance's house the other night when she offered me a glass of wine. I was thinking there is nothing stopping me but of course something did. In this and other instances it has become quite apparent that I still think like a Mormon and honestly there is no comfort to be had in the notion that someday that will fade. I wonder if in time my questions/concerns might fade? If I didn't fear losing too much of myself if that were to happen I would find comfort in it, but admittedly in leaving I am losing more of my identity than I realized.

An older sister, that I was never particularly friends with, once told me that she hopped I would stay in the church, that she knew sometimes I must find difficulties. She said in her life she had known several people who loved the church but ended up leaving it because of the culture. She said if everyone who doesn't like the culture leaves... well then how will the culture ever change? That story bought me an extra year... but I can't help but feel like to stay is to continue to bite my tongue... and that's just not me either.

Maybe I just need a break maybe I just need to miss it a little more... maybe sometimes Inactive just Means Inactive... for now... and not inactive and leaving.

And so this internal conflict rages still...